Turn Your Head

Life has been very interesting lately. Racial tension is high, political tension is high, we are all apart from many of our friends and some of our family, and we are spending a lot more time at home. These factors seem to have contributed to a rise in domestic violence, relationships falling apart, increases in certain crimes, toilet paper shortages, and an increase in depression.

It sounds bad, but sometimes you just need to turn your head. You could be sitting on the balcony in a luxury hotel room overlooking the ocean, but if your chair is facing the wrong way you are stuck looking at the air conditioning unit on top of the building next door. Just turn your head and enjoy the view damnit.

But turning your head doesn’t always help and putting off problems can make things worse. I often think of something called parallax error. Imagine looking at a clock on the wall. Not a digital clock but an old school clock with hands and a face. If the hands are set away from the face, meaning they are not laying flat on the face, then you may read the wrong time depending on the angle you view the clock from. Looking from below the clock may read 12:05, but looking from above it may read 12:10, even though looking straight on it actually reads 12:08. You don’t read the correct time unless you are looking at it straight on. We can apply this to situations as well.

We’ve all heard there are 3 sides to every story and we know we all impart bias when looking at external situations, particularly if those situations touch on something we feel strongly about. Our personal bias is like parallax error. We are looking at something from our side. It’s helpful to recognize that bias and try to approach a situation straight on to get a more accurate picture. However I don’t think we can arrive at an actual solution until we can see the situation from multiple positions.

Think back to the clock. If you are above the clock and see 12:10, then look straight on and see 12:08, you will want to set the clock back 2 minutes so your view is correct. The person below sees 12:05, then looks straight on and sees 12:08 and wants to set the clock forward 3 minutes so their view is correct. You both know the actual time but will “correct” the clock in opposing ways. You have the same goal.

Looking at a problem from as many angles as possible gives us the best shot at coming to a solution that lasts. Oh and don’t forget that time is an angle as well, and time compounds problems exponentially. Let’s say that the person below adjusts the clock ahead 3 minutes so they see 12:08. Later when the clock reads 12:45 straight on it’s really 12:42 but the person below sees 12:50. Their solution was invalid. A similar thing happens if the person above the clock makes an adjustment based on their perspective. They are both trying to manipulate the world to fit their view.

In this case the solution doesn’t even involve adjusting the hands on the clock. Sometimes the best solution is to worry about yourself and get a watch. Sometimes the best solution is to change your perspective. Other times the solution is to get a digital clock.

We will all encounter people that cannot see the world through any perspective but their own. People of this persuasion make finding viable solutions to our problems more difficult. Time has shown me that you can’t force people to change unless they truly want to. All I can say is be a good example. Be the change you want to see. Try viewing the world from different perspectives. Be willing to accept that you may be wrong sometimes. Try to understand the bias filters you have in your life.

If we are going to find solutions for racism, political differences, class disparity, religious tensions, staying at home with stir crazy children, and other big issues, we have to be willing to see through parallax error. Oh, and stock up on toilet paper because people are ridiculous sometimes.

Duck Duck Goose

It's been a long year. It's been a good year. I've learned a lot of things, done some other things, and got a few things. But I feel like the most important thing I've learned and the thing I'm working on the most is quality time.

Quality time is a subjective thing, it means one thing to me, something different to my wife, and something different for each of my children. But it is invaluable to each of us.

As men we are not fantastic at multi tasking, in fact let's just be honest, we can't do it. We function better by focusing on one thing at a time. For me that means if I'm working on a home improvement project I will be way more productive if I'm not also keeping an eye on the kids. But it also means if I am going to optimize quality time for each member of my family it requires one on one time with each of them.

I look at the family unit as an entity also, we have to do things as a group. It's not always one on one interactions. We can all enjoy a day at Disneyland and that could satisfy quality time for the family unit, but you can also satisfy it by sitting down to a nice meal at home. Get everyone involved with preparing the meal. Some of my favorite family quality time memories are sitting down as a family and making each other laugh and talking about our days.

For my daughter it means going to dance class with her and participating in the father daughter dance for the recital. It means laying in her room with her and watching whatever stupid YouTube video she likes to watch.

For my son it's helping with his homework, sitting with him while he practices piano or playing a video game with him.

For my wife it's talking. My Lord it's a lot of talking. But I can't just sit there and listen, I have to pay attention and respond, and offer opinions, and not let my eyes glaze over.

Don't overlook yourself. Women need time to themselves, but I think men benifit from alone time the most. Find something that you like and do it alone. Yes make time for friends as well but you need to do things by yourself too.

And please spend quality time with God. And by quality time I don't mean shouting oh Jesus! when someone almost hits you on the freeway. Read your Bible, spend time appreciating what you have, or what you have avoided. Be greatful.

There are other people in your life that need quality time too, but I wanted to focus immediate family. A family is the strongest unit in the world if you invest in it. It can carry you through hard things, protect you from scary things, and lift your spirits with joyous things. It just takes a little time.

Guess What.

Guess What.

Chicken butt!!! Hahahaaaa. Got 'em. 

 

For serious though, I completely failed at this blogging thing. What bugs me the most about it is that even though I have been busy I still could have made time for it. I could have thrown something together while sitting on the can, or over a few days while laying in bed before falling asleep. That would probably be some entertaining stuff to read. But I didn’t. I honestly do enjoy writing though, so why don't I do it more? 

The Hard Things

Being an adult comes with hard things. Being an adult comes with hard things, and knowing that there are hard things doesn't help. The only thing that makes doing hard things easier is doing hard things. 

The problem is that there are hard things and then there are Hard things. Talking to your 9 year old son about sex is a hard thing, but watching cancer eat your father is a Hard thing.

Pushing your 6' 100lb father in a wheelchair to an oncology appointment is a hard thing, but lifting your father's lifeless body out of the passenger seat of a car to lay him on the ground is a Hard thing. 

Telling your mom to call 911 is a hard thing, but taking the phone from her because she is unintelligible and giving the address to the 911 operator while performing CPR is a Hard thing. 

Explaining the options the doctor has laid out to your mother and siblings is a hard thing, but telling the doctor to remove life support is a Hard thing.  

Watching a loved one die is a hard thing, but praying over your father as you watch the last beats of his heart is a Hard thing. 

 Being an adult is a hard thing, but being an adult that loves and cares for his family is a great thing. If you avoid the hard things in life you will never grow as a person. There are certain things you can expect to deal with in life, and you can make all the plans you want, but the Hard things never happen when you are ready for them. 

Trust in God to carry you when your feet will no longer move. Trust in Him to move the mountains in your path. Know that God is real, and He cares for you. 

2 Samuel 22:3 KJV — The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.


 

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Don't Be Scurred

Fear is real.  It can paralyze. It can distract. It can delay. It can destroy. It can also fuel, push, motivate, and elevate. I don't think on fear often, but when I do... Dos Equis.  

 

A good friend of mine just launched his YouTube channel with a few great videos. The videos got me thinking about myself and personal application.  I'll link them down below and I strongly urge you to take a look/listen.  He uses Jesus' parable of the talents and makes some great points as well as challenges viewers to reflect on the messages application in their lives. 

 

But I'm a nerd so I started looking at fear and trying to figure it out a bit.  First I decided fear is different in different situations. Being afraid of a tiger is different than being afraid of public speaking. I'm sure there are different quantifiable physiological responses to different types of fear. I also think that fear will effect people differently depending on different metrics. 

 

There is a lot to unpack there but let's just cut to the chase. Life is full of things that we can be afraid of but let's focus on the fear that holds us back. Lots of things come to mind. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear that people won't like you, fear that you WILL succeed, fear that the outcome will not be what you want it to be, and on and on. 

 

Fear will always be there, YOU have to decide if you are going to let it keep you from the things you want in life. YOU have to decide if you are going to let it keep you from the things God has for you in life. It is your decision. Fear will only hurt you if you let it. Every great accomplishment in human history was done in the face of fear. Every battle won, every invention patented, every cookie snuck from the kitchen was done in spite of fear. 

 

Please check out out my friends channel, or catch him on the radio. He's a good dude.  

 

https://youtu.be/fitHkvHDaO8

 

His- 10 things I've learned in 10 years of marriage

I am amazed that 10 years have gone by. Sometimes because it only seems like a few years, sometimes because it feels like 20 years.  You see time is relative. And I don't just mean the perception of time. But that's not what this is about. This is about my journey through marriage. The struggles and the lessons, the changes and compromises, the frustration and the rewards of being married to a wonderful woman.  

I have struggled with this post for a while because I feel like it's hard to condense everything down into a blog post that isn't so long that no one will read it, but I think I can do a decent job.  Let's do this David Letterman style and start with number 10. Although they are in no particular order so what ever. 

10.  Love your spouse the way they want to be loved.  

She doesn't necessarily want to be loved the same way you do.  You may like gifts but she probably wants quality time or acts of service. Read the 5 love languages. Your welcome

9. If something bothers you, talk about it.  

She isn't a mind reader. Even if your not upset with her you need to let her know that or she may think she did something to upset you. That is a guaranteed recipe for argument. Avoid it.  

H. Take time for yourself. 

Dudes need time by themselves. It is part of the decompression process. If I don't get time by myself with no agenda at least once a week I am a complete A-Hole. Well, more of an A-Hole than normal.  

5. Don't bring work drama/attitude home. 

Tell her about your day. Don't treat her (or the kids) like they are the source of your grief from work.  

7. Pick up after yourself.  

Her stress level is directly proportional to the messiness of her house. Don't add to it nerd. Just being a decent civilized human being will go a long way to make her life easier and in turn yours. 

F. Shaking it after taking a pee doesn't work.  

It just doesn't. it gets on your pants. It gets on the toilet rim (you did lift the seat right you heathen?). Take my advice, get a small square of toilet paper and dab the end of your man meat. No it is not like a girl. I didn't say sit down to pee. What's wrong with you?

3. Just because she is asleep doesn't mean you can go do something else.  

Women are telepathic. They know when you are not there. They like to be near you. It's a safety/comfort thing.  Being in the other room doesn't count. If you have to, move the Xbox so she can sleep next to you while you play. 

4.  Having children changes dynamics

Not in a bad way. Children are amazing. They help you understand life. They are also hell on your sex life. You will adapt. Schedule sex if you have to. But honestly, just sleeping for 8 hours straight can be better than sex. 

15. You have significantly less time for friends

Its cool.  They are getting married too. They don't have time for you either. Play a game with them on ps4 or Xbox one. Get together once a month. Our list of couples for double dates has grown exponentially. You do have date night right?   

21. You can't do this successfully without God.  

I mean specifically the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jesus come in the flesh.  No other "god" compares. Read the bible and pray. By yourself and with your spouse/family. The world has taken a stand against the family, it's up to us to show that a husband and wife and children make a strong unit. A society/community used to be made of family's. Communities used to be strong. Now most communities are made up of people that don't know each other.   

Okay, so there is a list of a few things I have learned in 10 years of marriage. Some of them may seem silly but read them again. I think it a good bit of info. I hope that if you read this you can take at least one thing and apply it. Theory is great, but its the application where knowledge becomes valuable. 

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