This 15 to 15 thing has been really fun. We have never been very consistent with blog posts and Im happy we have been able to keep up with this. We chose to write some blogs.
15 to 15 #14 Intimacy, It's Not Just For Sex Anymore
Let’s start by defining intimacy.
Intimacy: in-ti-ma-cy: Doin it
Just kidding. Sex is inherently intimate and is probably the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about intimacy, but I would like to share some ideas of intimacy that doesn’t have to involve sex.
Think of intimacy as sharing something close. It can be personal space, like when you are in the airport shuttle to the rental car section and someone has their extended luggage handle riding in your butt crack and another person is breathing directly on your forehead because their nose is hanging out of their mask. That is intimate. Or it can be you and your spouse lounging together in a hammock watching the sunset, or in one of those bathtubs out on a private deck overlooking, wait, I’m gonna try to stay non sexual. Sometimes it’s nice to be close with your partner without trying to put the sausage in the wallet.
I think it’s a good idea to set aside some intimate time that you don’t expect to lead to sex. If you know up front that this time is for you to talk and just enjoy each other’s company you can stay in the moment and make the most of it. I know for me it’s hard to think about anything other than her sweet lady parts if I’m expecting to get the cookies. I find myself distracted and unable to stay in the conversation. I really enjoy when we sit down and listen to records, or I try to stump her tremendous 90s R&B music knowledge by playing a song I don’t think she’ll know. I enjoy it even more if I’m not trying to be a cool, sexy, and sophisticated guy that wants to impress my lady.
If you’re not having regular sexual encounters due to time, kids, or just plain exhaustion, maybe you can have dessert (sex) first and then settle in to some quality time. It’s important to have both types of intimacy. Both partners benefit from both types but one may be more appealing to one of you. A relationship has lots of compromise, but the end goal is that both parties feel loved and respected and important and valued and ultimately are happy. Go back to the 5 love languages. Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch(doin it). Hers are acts of service and quality time. I’m pretty sure I could rationalize that sexual intimacy fulfills all 5 love languages in the book but that doesn’t mean that she feels the same way.
I could show her she’s loved by straightening up the house, drawing her a bath when she gets home, folding her clothes for her(acts of service). There is room for intimacy in there, the non sexual kind. Quality time can be fulfilled with taking walks, going out to eat, sitting down to some music, or wine and cigars on the porch. I feel like there is more room for non sexual intimacy inside of that love language. We all need intimacy in different ways to varying degrees, and helping your spouse feel loved the way they really understand it is gratifying.
Learn the way your partner feels love and focus in on those things. If they are paying attention you’ll get reciprocation. If they are not, communicate that in a way they will understand. Be more intimate, sexually and non sexually. And for goodness sake smile more.
Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV) 18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 [Let her be as] the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
15 to 15 #13 Keep Your Married Life Private! Here's How!
15 to 15 #12 The Effect of Children On A Marriage
Children are amazing. They can make you happier than anything else in the world, but they can also make you angrier than anything else in the world. But having kids definitely changes the dynamics of your marriage! Fortunately for us, we are reaching a point in our relationship where we have a little more freedom now that the kids are older. Max is a teenager and Peyton is a very responsible 10 year old, so they not only get to actively participate in keeping our house tidy, but they occasionally get to stay home alone, which means Mom and Dad get to have a little more freedom. While we are far from done parenting and raising kids, I feel like God is rewarding us a little now by giving us a little more freedom now that they’re maturing, with out having to find a sitter!
With that being said, let’s discuss how these little nuggets have changed our martial bliss:
In the beginning, they were the reason I lacked sleep. Being a mother, caring for them as babies, catering to them when they were sick played a big part in the lack of sleep. But fortunately, we got 2 sleepers!!! After they were both 3 months old, they’ve been sleeping through the night with no problem, so we never had to deal with the waking up at 3am to watch tv kids, THANK GOD!!!
Financially, it takes a toll on you. I like to shop, travel, eat out, you name it. But it’s obviously easier to do that when you only have 2 people to keep alive. Quarantine has proven that I have a miniature football team to feed instead. Yes School can’t start soon enough! But I’m so grateful that we have jobs that can still support a lifestyle that allows us to be able to splurge occasionally, and feed the team.
Becoming a parent makes you put yourself last. And that’s fine. They didn’t ask to be brought here. So their needs and well-being come before mine, but within reason. My Dad shared with me before I became a mother, to make sure that I continued to find time for myself. Like dating Lowell, I’ve stuck to that advise. And it helps balance my needs with theirs! This could come in the form of working out, getting my nails done, taking myself to lunch, going shopping, etc. It’s all necessary for my sanity, and Lowell has his alone time as well.
Obviously , having kids means extra curricular activities, which can lead to limited time at home, which means Lowell and I have to get creative in how we spend time together. Bottom line, our marriage tuneup is a priority, so we still consciously try to fit time in for us in between piano and guitar lessons, golf and dance practice, play dates, etc. And let’s be real, this stuff can be physically exhausting. But when Lowell comes tapping on my shoulder ready for some bow chica bow wow, I need to be ready. And for the most part I am. There have been a few occasions where I literally am so tired that I can’t, lol. Fortunately, he understands!
Having kids has helped our bond become stronger. For starters, I believe his love grew even more for me when he got to witness what I went through just carrying 2 children, how physically exhausting it was being pregnant AND watching me give birth. But once they get here, raising them was/is no joke. We have to make sure we’re both a united front, which in turn strengthened us. Win win!
All in all, having Maxwell and Peyton was one of the best decisions we ever made. As much as they drive us crazy, life would be so incomplete without them. They are absolutely amazing children, we’re honored to be their parents, even when we’re ready to choke them out. Did we have to adjust our lives to having children? YES! Was it worth it? YES!
“Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it.”~ Proverbs 22:6
15 to 15 #11 How Did We Learn to Share Our Space
This was super hard for me in the beginning. I moved into my first apartment a few months before we got married. I lived there long enough to find a place for all of my things. I got organized. I got dishes, furniture, food. And then SHE moved in.
We dated for 7 years before we got married. We knew everything about each other. We didn’t live together before we got married. We had been on vacations together and were familiar with the way we each kept our living space/bedroom in our parents house. The interesting thing is that we grew up in 2 very different households. Chenee’s house was always tidy. I can never remember going over there and it was a mess. I on the other hand never woke up on Saturday mornings to loud music and house cleaning. We didn’t live in a cesspool of filth or anything but it wasn’t neat either. I remember many times cleaning my room by shoving absolutely everything under the bed.
Moving into my own place (even if it was only mine for a few months) helped me realize how much work it took to maintain a clean house and how my habits would have to change. Chenee would also come over all the time and helped out a ton (she did it all). But I was slowly being trained to put dirty clothes in a hamper, not in a pile on the floor, put dirty dishes in the sink, not just left on a counter or table, put the toilet seat down after I used the restroom, etc.
Mostly I was able to maintain a neat looking apartment because I didn’t have a lot of stuff. Then we got married and she moved in. So did her stuff. I no longer had clothes in my bedroom closet. My decorations went bye bye. The toilet seat was to always remain down or else. I couldn’t set a glass on a counter or table and walk away from it. I’m not kidding. I would get out a glass, fill it with ice, then fill it with coke, take one sip, go use bathroom, walk back into the kitchen and find my cup empty and in the sink. If I wasn’t holding my cup or within line of site of it she would put it in the sink.
Within a few days of her moving in, all of my possessions were relegated to the closet in the back bedroom. This was very hard for me. Growing up I didn’t have my own bedroom until I got into high school and decided to sleep on a cot in the garage. It felt amazing to have my own space for the short period of time I had it. Someday I will have my own space again. A man cave that no one else will have any input in. But I digress.
Learning to share space is about compromise. I’m not going to say it’s a one sided compromise but it feels like it. Women have more stuff. More clothes, more shoes, purses, more hats, more hygiene products, makeup, jewelry, seasonal decor, holiday decorations, bedsheets, coats, vacuum seal bags, luggage, childhood dolls, an assortment of pictures for the wall and some in case she wants to change them up, decorative pillows, serving dishes, fancy drink wares, table settings, even more shoes, rugs to keep in rotation, boxes of photos, candles and other scented accoutrements, kitchen appliances, plants (fake and real, which you will have to water), a bin for scrapbooking and so on.
Men, you need to learn to share space, because her idea of sharing space is allowing you to have the edge of one side of the bed and one dresser along with the closet space equivalent of 10 shirts and 2 jackets. You are also allowed to use the space under your side of the bed for shoes. But remember you only have the edge, as much space as you take up while lying on your side.
Yes I am exaggerating. Slightly. You get half of the bed. I don’t really have any tips other than take it slow and talk about it. I had never considered what would happen once she move in. Yes I am being funny and blowing it a little out of proportion but at the end of the day it’s all worth it. Hopefully you have time to figure out your rhythm before you add kids because they have a lot of stuff too, and it’s constantly being replaced along with all of your stuff that they break. And yes, 9 times out of 10 it’s dad’s stuff that gets broken because they know better than to mess with mom’s stuff.
Ephesians 4:2-3- 2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; 3 Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
15 to 15 #10 Growing Spiritually as Husband and Wife
Growing isn’t easy. Especially with both of us being so stubborn! In order to grow though, you have to push through adversity, work outside of your capabilities, and do it frequently enough to gain some benefit. Here are some things we’ve experienced to help us grow spiritually:
1. We made sure we were on the same page of what we believed in. For us, we believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and rose on the 3rd day. I think it would be hard to even move forward if our spiritual foundations didn’t match. I told him from the beginning, this ain’t gonna work if we’re not on the same page spiritually, and God did the rest!
2. It’s so important that we practice what we believe, or at least make a conscious effort to. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, we are so far from perfect. We make mistakes just like everyone, we fall down, but we at least try to do what God wants us to do. It’s our spiritual compass. If we see we’re getting too far off path, it brings us back to what we should be doing. We also hold each other accountable.
3. We learned to establish a consistent prayer life individually, together as a couple, and as a family. This is how we communicate with our creator. I know life gets busy, but we have to make time to do this. It’s essential!!!
4. Doing things together that help grow our faith. Things like going to church, doing this blog, incorporating date night question & answers, being intimate, etc. All of these things help build and grow our faith, and helps us think out the box, and learn more about each other, even after being together for 23 years!
5. One of the most important things is being mindful that we literally have 2 human beings that are watching what we do, and we’re setting the blueprint for how to live. They’re watching what we say, what we do, how we eat, how we groom ourselves, how we pray, how we carry ourselves, how we love each other , etc. We don’t want to be the reason they stumble in life, because we taught them the wrong way.
I don’t wanna make it seem like this blog is a sermon, but we just want to encourage family, friends, and maybe even strangers, to see the love of Christ through our love for each other! We want to be living examples of what God created to be one of the most sacred relationships on this side of Heaven. We’re just the vessels, enjoying life’s ups and and navigating through the downs, and making the most of what He gave us! This right here is the main reason we started this blog. And thank you for being apart of our journey, and helping us grow!
Ephesians 5:21- Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
15 to 15 #9 It's Not Effective Communication Unless Everybody Understands
Sometimes I laugh at how silly arguments get. The best ones are when you agree but are arguing as if you don’t because you don’t understand each others point of view or opinion. You’re communicating, but you’re doing a poor job of it.
We touched on a lot of miscommunication issues yesterday on not seeing eye to eye, and have brought up the importance of communication repeatedly. We must think it’s important.
Well friends, I suck at it. I don’t pick up on hints, I don’t get it when she says it plain, I don’t talk about issues I have, or ask for help with correcting something. I don’t like to talk about feelings, or emotions, or anything I can’t qualify objectively. I get frustrated and defensive and I turn into a huge A-Hole.
She likes to talk about issues, problems, feelings, worries, and such. I can see her frustration when trying to get me to engage in the discussion. It usually takes a few tries but she is persistent and eventually we talk through whatever is bothering her. Generally I only make things worse for a while by getting defensive and making stupid remarks but once I get a few deep breaths in, my problem solving instincts kick in and we work through it.
I imagine it’s like that for lots of couples, or I’m just a bigger A-Hole than I thought. The main thing is patience and persistence. You can’t stop the discussion until everybody understands what was to be communicated. Don’t get frustrated if someone is asking questions, they are not questioning you as a challenge necessarily, they may be trying to understand you in their own way.
Like with most things, you only get better by doing it. Talk through things. If it’s really hard, find a good counselor or therapist. Communication is probably my biggest weakness and that sucks because it is the basis for just about everything, unless you are a hermit that lives in the mountains. Just know that you love each other and you can get through talking about stuff.
James 1:19-20 (KJV) 19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
15 to 15 #8 You Don't Always See Eye to Eye, Now What?
It may come as a shock, but you will not always agree with your partner, and that’s okay. Everybody has a right to my opinion. Just kidding, their own opinion, see what I did there. Let’s use parenting as an example. Lowell and I come come from completely different upbringings. I come a traditional black old school disciplinary home. What Mom and Dad says go’s, and if you have anything to say against why they’ve instructed you to do what you’re supposed to do, you either get a whoopin’ or punishment, PERIOD! Lowell however comes from a very traditional suburban white family (in his words, not mine) where he had to go on time out, stand in the corner, or had to write standards. He’d get the occasional punishment, but it would only be for a day or 2, nothing long term. Fast forward 20 something years, now parenting together, we agree on what needs to be done, but we don’t always agree on how it needs to be done. And as the parents, we’ve gotta make sure or least appear like we’ve got our ish together as a united front. And to be brutally honest, that’s not always the case! We may write these blogs, but let’s get one thing straight, we are far from perfect!
At some point, with most situations in marriage, we’ve gotta address the “now what”. The “now what” is one of the most common things we’ve seen in most of these blogs, COMMUNICATION! We literally just sat down ironically and had a full blown conversation about this very topic, and discussed my thoughts/feelings, and his thoughts/feelings regarding the kids and their chores. While I thought we weren’t on the same page about the kids chores, Maxwell came in our room and confirmed that we actually are on the same page, but our discipline style and approach are just completely different. Had we not sat down and actually talked about it, I would have continued to think that Lowel doesn’t consistently help me with reminding the kids to do their chores on a regular basis, which leads me to have an attitude, which would have carried into other conversations throughout the night, which would have led me to be irritated and upset for no reason, etc.
The lesson from all this is to communicate and put it all on the table. Otherwise, the disunity will put cracks in the foundation. Some may be small, and some may be big. But enough small cracks can bring down a building too. Talk about it, effectively listen to your partners side, and agree, or agree to disagree, and let it go!
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
5 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.~Ephesians 4:31-5:2
15 to 15 #7 Laughter Really is the Best Medicine
It’s cliché but it’s true. You need to laugh. As long as it’s not an inappropriate time. I am thankful that our relationship has included lots of laughter. Some of it comes years later, when you look back on a situation that was serious at the time, but now you find the silliness in it.
I adore humor. I really appreciate its properties and abilities. Laughing has a way of lightening the intensity of a situation. That’s why it goes well in horror movies. The dark intensity of the film uses humor to lighten the mood and break up the tension allowing the viewer a brief respite.
Laughing is a way to bond and create something between your partner and yourself. Inside jokes are wonderful for that. We have been places and witnessed something that we have laughed about for years. One mention in some inane situation always gets the other to laugh.
Laughing just feels good. There is something so satisfying about hearing a hard genuine laugh from my wife that I can’t describe the feeling. When she laughs I feel better, even if I already feel great. Seeing pure joy in someone else is infectious. My wife’s smile brightens up a room and I love it.
Laughing can bring comfort in times of grief and sadness. Think back to a funeral you attended. When people talk about the deceased they always tell cute funny stories, unless the deceased was a piece crap, then tell embarrassing funny stories, because laughter is comforting.
Laughing helps with nervousness. You have stage fright or hate speaking in front of people. Have a laugh and things will get easier. Laughing can remove a stick from ones butt. Laughing removes tough stuck on grease from your pots and pans. Laughing removes hard water build up. Laughing unclogs stuck drains. Laughing is a defense for heart disease and gingivitis. Laughter is like Vicks Vaporub, you can put it on anything and it makes it better. Find the things that make you laugh and do theme together.
Proverbs 17:22 (KJV) A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
15 to 15 #6 Don't Keep Peeves as Pets
Yes. The title is stupid. I know. She already told me. But what else do you call a blog about pet peeves? This is simple to explain but not easy in practice. We all have pet peeves and we all have differing levels of response to them.
One of my pet peeves is my food falling apart. It could be a blown out taco, or a slippery sandwich that drops its contents, I don’t care. When it happens it flips a switch in me and I could strangle kittens. Chenee knows there is no consoling me and to give me some space when it happens because I can not be nice until I cool off. I’m literally getting mad thinking about it right now. This is an example of a pet peeve you can’t really do anything about except avoid foods with the potential to break the universe.
There are however other types that we can do something about. Talk with your partner about the little things that drive them crazy. Then work real hard to not do those things. The little things can add up over time and grow bigger. That creates potential for some serious arguments about nothing. And contrary to popular beliefs, no one wins arguments in a relationship, everybody loses.
You might notice a common theme in our blogs. Communication. It is a foundational concept for a healthy, productive, and loving relationship. We have to learn how to talk about stuff. We have to think critically about our interactions, the words we use, the tone of our voice, our body language, the time we take to respond. All are important parts of effective communication.
It bothers me when stuff gets hung on a doorknob. Especially if it’s hung on the side that gets in the way of closing the door. I don’t care if it’s a belt, bra, or shirt. Chenee hates when she asks me to look for something and I can’t find it until she opens the cabinet and somehow makes it appear on the shelf directly in front of my face. She despises when the kids leave empty containers in the fridge.
These all create potential to be the spark that ignites an argument. So start talking about pet peeves. Take a deep breath before you explode over your mans inability to find the ketchup that’s in the door of the fridge on the same shelf it’s been on for the last 5 years. Don’t start hollering when you can’t close your bedroom door because there are 2 bras and 3 belts hanging on the handle. Really work to not trigger your partner. Your home should be a safe space.
Proverbs 15:1 (KJV) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
15 to 15 #5 Fire Starter
Romance is important in a marriage. But it’s hard to start a fire if you don’t know how to strike a match. But this is a topic that we discussed in a blogpost a few years ago.
Some of the best advice we received when we got married was to maintain quality time to keep the fire lit. CONTINUE TO DATE EACH OTHER REGULARLY! Here are some date night tips that have worked for us.
1. Look at your schedules, and select a regular day consistently for date night.
2. If you have children, choose those within your circle of trust to help babysit with the kids regularly so you can go out. Fortunately for us, our support system includes 3 sets of grandparents, God parents, 3 aunts, and a cousin.
3. If you lack sitters or have a tight budget, find creative ways to spend quality time at home, or do things that don't cost money. Quarantine helped get creative with that!
A. Go for a walk on the beach or in your neighborhood.
B. Once the kids are sleep, you can Netflix and chill, have a glass of wine or a cup of coffee over a good conversation, or play a board game.
C. You can also check out websites like www.thrillist.com, Groupon, LivingSocial, AmazonLocal, or Entertainment book to find dates on a budget.
4. Quality time together doesn't have to cost anything. You can create a date night box that fits your budget so you can be spontaneous and intentional while on a budget.
Like a car, marriages require routine maintenance; so keep the oil changes and tune-ups up to date, to keep the fire lit!
Matthew 19:4-6~ "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man seperate.
15 to 15 #4 How to Stay Married When You Are Trapped (Quarantined)
Issa panoramic. You never realize how much you rely on personal space until it’s seemingly taken away. We found out just how much we got on each other’s nerves. Fortunately we figured some stuff out that really helped us.
The first thing was to explore our space. Everyone needed a place they could get away from everyone else. The kids had their rooms so that was great. We also utilized our bedroom, living room, den, and back yard. We made sure to spend time away from each other as much as we spent time together.
We took some time to improve our spaces. Put in work on the front porch and the back yard so we had more options. We installed some WiFi mesh routers to improve connectivity throughout the house.
Another thing that helped was the fact the we were essential workers without an option to work from home completely. We still had to leave the house.
We took drives. We got dressed every day. We went outside. We cooked together. A lot of “we” in this post. We did have to sacrifice some personal time, some me time, some adult alone time, but we also started some new things we really enjoyed.
We started setting up little date nights. We would get some wine, put some music on and find random questions online. Then we took turns answering them. We learned a lot about each other and we had some good fun. That also fulfilled one of her love languages (quality time) and it led to one of my love languages (physical touch 😜). This time also helped us get the kids on track with their chores. It did not help get us on track with paying allowance.
We did fall into some common pitfalls. Spent too much money at BevMo trying out new cocktails. We ate way too much and kept falling back on the excuse that this is an unprecedented world event and we can use food and drink to help us cope. At some point we had to say no, this could easily get out of control.
It seems strange that we have adjusted to this new way of life. Masks, social distancing, vaccines, the Rise of the Karen, civil unrest, racial tension, political insanity. The list goes on and on. Don’t let your home be a source of stress. Let it be a place of comfort and rest.
Psalms 91:9-11 (KJV)
9 Because thou hast made the LORD, [which is] my refuge, [even] the most High, thy habitation; 10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. 11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
15 to 15 #3 Words of Wisdom for Singles
Advice is a funny thing. It may be one of the most freely given forms of help in the world. But it may also be one of the most ignored forms of help in the world. So ladies and gentlemen I give you my top 10 tips for being single. Mind you, the last time I was single I was 17 years old, so these magnificent words of wisdom will be coming from my observations of the world around me and not my own experiences.
Number One. Stop being so thirsty. The only people that will attract are people that will use that to their advantage. If you are looking for a relationship you don’t want to look like prey.
Number Two. Being single looks like fun. Enjoy the freedom to accomplish goals and do things that you want to do. Being in a relationship adds compromise in many cases and can slow down the progress of your goals.
Number Three. Self reflection. No one is perfect. We all have something we want to improve about ourselves. Find something about yourself and fix it. If you can’t find anything ask a good friend. A good friend will tell you the truth and not just say you are fine.
Number Four. Find your favorites. Favorite everything. Music genre, hobby, food, restaurant, book, dessert, song, hang out, travel destination, self care, clothing brand, etc. You would be surprised how many people don’t know these things. If there are ties in some categories flip a coin and go with that. This helps you learn about you, but it also helps other people know more about you and gives them opportunities to do something nice for you.
Number Five. Read the 5 love languages. This will help you understand what makes you feel loved. This doesn’t only apply romantically but in all of your relationships. Everyone should do this.
Number Six. Learn something new. Take a class, find a new hobby. There is something you’re interested in that you’re not doing. Do it.
Number Seven. Reevaluate your standards. I’m not saying abandon them, you have to have standards. List them out and number them in order of importance. Then look at the ones that ranked lower and decide if they’re deal breakers. Compare yourself to your own standards. Do you measure up? We all know someone that we don’t go out to eat with because it’s too much of a hassle and they are super picky and they send their food back 5 times and always need to speak to the manager, blah blah blah. If you don’t know someone then it’s you. People carry that energy over in to their dating life, and most people don’t want to deal with that, especially if they are dating later in life.
Number Eight. Get healthier. Not just physically. Mentally, emotionally, organizationally. Get your crap together. Get rid of things you don’t need in your life. Do you need to lose weight? Find a nutritionist and trainer. Do you need help dealing with childhood baggage? Find a therapist. Stuck in a rut in your career? Find a mentor or lifestyle coach. Home a disorganized disaster? Find an organizational specialist. There are tons of great options to find help with things.
Number Nine. Think about your body language. There are people that claim they want to be in a relationship but if you bumped into them in the store, everything about them screams “Leave me alone!” Be mindful of the message you’re communicating non verbally. Also try smiling. Happiness is infectious. Everyone wants to have a good time, and if you look happy, people will pick up on it. Always remember that happiness is a choice, and if you aren’t happy you can still change your mind.
Number Ten. Me time. Everyone needs me time. Some more than others. Time by yourself is therapeutic and helps keep you leveled out. It helps you hold on to your identity. Meditate on The Word. Ask for God’s guidance in all things. Remember, it’s good to be you.
“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalms 37:3-4 NIV
15 to 15 #2 Preparing to Succeed in the Face of Challenges
Generally speaking, people don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan. And I truly doubt that people intentionally get into marriage expecting it to fail. For starters, one of the things we agreed to when we decided to take our relationship to another level is that no matter what, divorce IS NOT an option. Secondly, I’d encourage anyone thinking about marriage to find a great Pastor to give you some marriage counseling. During our marriage counseling (with my Pastor Lloyd at Willow Street Church of God), we learned (and would eventually experience) that marriage is not about smelling the roses all the time. But the counseling gives you the tools to be able to navigate through miscommunication, disagreements, you name it. Sometimes, let’s face it. Your spouse frustrates you, they get on your nerves, they make you experience every emotion you’ve never tapped into. But you can’t run from it. You learn how to face it and deal with it internally & TOGETHER. And then you keep it pushing. Aside from the fact that we have 2 human beings that are depending on us to show them how to function in life as a man and woman, we don’t wanna be unhappy together. Neither of us signed up for that. So the way to conquer that is to simply figure out how to overcome everyday obstacles, how to effectively communicate, and learn how to respect him all while he continues to love me through adversity. Is it easy? NO! Is it necessary? YES! Anything worthwhile requires work~Christian Bosse.
So be intentional in your actions, in your faith, in your prayers, in your effort, in respecting him, in loving her, in your marriage. We may not have all the answers, but in our intentionality, it’s definitely worthwhile!!!
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33
15 to 15 #1 The First Date
The year was 1998, the day was Saturday, October 31st. It was our first date, and I don’t remember a lot about it. Halloween party at Kevin’s house. What I do remember is the 2 years that led up to that night.
I was never the smooth kid that was good with the ladies. My mom said I was cool, but she lied. Then all of a sudden it was 10th grade. Well, the summer before 10th grade. At band camp. Yes. Marching band practice before the school year started. I remember the little shorts she was wearing and her laugh and her smile and the volume of her voice. She was everything I was not. I told myself I needed to get to know her. So for 2 years I did everything in my power to not get caught lurking in the background like a complete creep. You have to remember this was before everyone had a cell phone. Email was brand new. I didn’t even have a pager. There was no such thing as internet stalking yet.
Over the next few years we became acquainted by having classes together and band together. But I was scurred. Until our senior year. The summer before senior year I learned a valuable lesson. I gained the ability to give zero eff’s. By leveling up my self confidence I learned the subtle art seduction. Psych! I was still a goof ball, but I could make people laugh so I went with that. I made her laugh. I made her friends laugh. Then I made her love me. Wait, not yet. I used to secretly stand behind her while she pulled a jumbo clarinet out of the cabinet and mime grabbing her sweet sweet booty. The rest of the class thought it was funny, but she never knew.
This sort of thing continued for a while until I got up the nerve to ask her to Winter Formal. I had to devise a master plan, and that plan had to have 3 phases.
Phase 1. Use the peacock as an example, but instead of wooing her with an impressive display of color and motion, I would dazzle her with my lighting quick wit and incredibly sophisticated sense of humor consisting of a mixture of dry British humor and fart jokes.
Phase 2. Do a crap ton of push ups and achieve hot boy status. Also convince the entire female student body that there is nothing sexier than a trombone player. Also ask her to the dance.
It Worked!!!!
I didn’t even need all 3 phases, or so I thought…
At this point I keep hearing from people that she wants me to ask her out. So I keep telling people I did ask her to the dance and she said yes so chill out. Then these same people said, “Hey moron, ask her to be your girlfriend!” So I said, “Is that what that means?” Turns out that is exactly what that means. Who knew? Crap! Now I needed a phase 3. Good thing I saw “There’s Something About Mary” over the summer, the greatest Romance movie ever. It’s also a great film showcasing the dangers of spending too much time in the sun. Anyway, I decided to have someone go get some flowers afterschool but before the marching had to leave for the football game so I could ask her out all proper and stuff (I honestly think I was talked into this strategy but maybe not, it was 23 years ago, cut me some slack). It worked out so well that I am sitting at the computer writing this while she is laying on the couch watching the Olympics right behind me 23 years later. The next night we went over to Kevin’s for a Halloween party and I got my first kiss…
Like a boss.
Quarantine with My Peeps- Take Aways
Never in our lives did we EVER think we'd live to see a pandemic! It's hard enough trying to adjust to this “new normal” or whatever you wanna call it, but there are so many thoughts and emotions associated with these unprecedented times. Work, our children and their education, changing routines, no social interactions, etc..
Despite the drastic changes, there have been so many take aways in the past 2 months.
1. Anxiety/fear of the unknown - For obvious reasons, there were so many “unknowns” when all of this went down. But this helped remind us, who was/is in COMPLETE control, our Lord and savior Jesus Christ! Us going to church, praying, growing a relationship with Him was preparing us for this! “If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.” Psalms 91:9-12
2. We had to accept our new reality, which is grieving the loss of our old reality- Once we acknowledged that yes, this is some crazy ish, and we can't believe we’re living through this, we had no choice but to face this “new normal”. Why? Because we still had a life to live, bills to pay, kids to raise, etc. As the circumstances around us have and are changing, the routines in our home will follow suit. For me (Chenée), it took me a few weeks to accept this because I am so detail oriented when it comes to Max and Peyton’s daily routine. But as soon as I accepted that our routine has to change to adjust to the change of the current times, that helped to ease my anxiety, and gave me wiggle room to adjust.
3. We’ve slowed down- Before this, was Peyton's dance, Maxwell's piano and golf, birthday parties, baby showers, church events, you name it, we lived off of a calendar from one day to the next. Now, we are sleeping in, playing family games, baking, cooking more at home, spending quality time with the kids, and increasing our intamacy with eachother. This has helped us get back to the basics!
4. Saved $$$- It's been amamzing seeing how much money we’ve been able to save since we can't eat out now. We just stock up on food, and cook at home, as exhausting as it is. On top of all that, both of our jobs have been SUPER busy since all of this happened, which is a blessing to be employed right now. We've saved so much $ that we took advantage of the market to refinance the house, complete some home projects that we weren't able to afford before, AND we purchased a new vehicle. We give all praise to God for seeing us through this financially, because none of these things would be possible without Him!!!
5. Focus on the kids mental health- We couldn't even imagine what this would be like as a child. So we've poured our focus on them and their mental health. We’ve altered our routine that we've worked so hard thoughout there life to create, to allow them to be as comfortable as possible. If that means waking up later than normal, going to bed later, playing the Xbox and/or watching TV a little longer than usual, whatever makes them feel comfortable, within reason, we've catered to. Keep in mind, we still have to find balance with these things, as well as teaching them life skills through chores and spending time with the Lord. We still have to train them up in the way they should go, we're just conscious of their mental health!
With all of these takeaways, one thing that has and will always remain the same is God's love for us, no matter what!!! His protection over us through all of this has been overwhelming! And we are forever grateful for His grace and mercy during this time! This scripture below is by far the BIGGEST takeawy of all!
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
13 for 13
Guess what?!?! We just celebrated 13 years of marital bliss on August 12, 2019, even though we got in an argument at dinner while celebrating, lol. We made up after 😜!
To commemorate the special occasion, we answered 13 oddball questions in honor of 13 years of marriage!
1. What's the weirdest thing you Googled today/ this week/ ever?
L: Australian guy from Black Panther/The Maden Curse/Biker Chicks with Webbed Feet
C: Vistaprint coupon code/ arroz con pollo y platano spelling/ I'm too embarrassed to admit!
2. What's the most extravagant thing you'd spend your money on if you won the lottery?
L: Trailer
C: Ocean Front Property for vacationing
3. Where do you want to retire?
L: Costa Rica
C: Anywhere spending quality time with Lowell. Preferably an ocean view watching the sun set every night
4. What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?
L: Getting "Chenée" tatood on my back
C: Parasailing 900 ft in the air above the weight limit.
5. When did you laugh the hardest and what happened to make you do that?
L: My Mom telling us a story about a guys who went on a boat
C: When my Mom ordered a dress from Wish and tried it on for me and my sister. It was like the Cosby episode when Denise made the shirt for Theo.
6. What's your most embarrassing moment?
L: When I went to urgent Care for a hemorrhoid that burst and the doctor looked just like my sister.
C: I've always had a fear of pooping while giving birth in front of Lowell. Well it happened with Peyton!!! He looked at me and said “yeah, that’s poop!”
7. What's your dream vacation?
L: European Train tour
C: Bora Bora
8. What are the top three things on your bucket list?
L: Shoot a bear, hang out with Terry Crews and dress like HeMan, get a six pack
C: Skydive, travel to Africa, get a tattoo on my arm
9. When was the last time you felt genuinely proud of yourself?
L: Moving into our home after putting in 3 months of work
C: Dropping Max off at middle school orientation
10. If you had to trade jobs with somebody, who would it be and why?
L: Nick Cannon, because Nick Cannon
C: Janet Jackson, I’d love to get paid to sing and perform
11. What's the craziest, wildest night you've ever had?
L: Wedding night
C: To many, yes, I was a mess, and Jesus saves!
12. What advice would you give your younger self?
L: Ask out the bass clarinet hottie in the overalls before your senior year. And don't get fat.
C: Don't allow fear to stop you from doing what you wanna do
13. Besides your phone, what one material item would you choose to bring on a deserted island?
L: Tooth brush
C: Drawls
13 down, eternity to go!
…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.~ Ephesians 5:33
This Hurts Us More Than It Hurts You
Let me see a show if hands of parents who have a strong willed child. OK, I know I can't see you, but I'm sure a bunch of you do!!! Well, in our case, this child would be Peyton. And of course, we love our baby sooooo much, and we thank God for her, but she definitely wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it. And if you know me (Chenee), you know that it doesn't sit well with me, because my style of child rearing is old school. So long story short, we've been having behavioral problems with her at school. I mean to the point to where is was becoming an everyday occurance.
Lowell and I were stumped. Like, we didn't know what else to do. We put her on punishment, took away all of her toys, gave her spankings here and there (legally of course, nothing unreasonable, excessive, or causeing bodily injury). At this point, we reached out to our parents for help, and even considered taking her to counseling. Was her behavior that bad? No, it wasn't, but is was down right disrespectful, and we knew if we didn't fix it now, we'd be trying fixing it later after the monster was created.
And I'll tell you one thing, timing is EVERYTHING! We just so happened had a family vacation planned for the 2nd week in October. We also told her that if her behavior didn't improve, she'd be staying home from vacation. Ironically, the week before this vacation, she once again got in trouble at school, and when her teacher reminded her that her behavior was going to dictate whether or not she was going to be able to go on vacation, she told her teacher, and I quote, "They're just going to let me go anyway." When I found this out, I was burning up inside!!! But my mom told me "You need to keep her butt home. She can stay with me." So many things were going through head. Wait, this is a family vacation. We're going to be away from her for 5 whole days. Will it work if she stays home? What do we do if it doesn't work? Will I be able to enjoy myself without my complete family? Yeah, the list goes on and on. So after Lowell and I talked, we thought it would be best for her to stay home.
Unsure of what would come of this, I struggled so bad. The night before we left, I cried like a baby!!!! I felt like a horrible mom for leaving my baby at home. But I had to try SOMETHING! So tough love is what it was.
Long story short, we went on vacation, I struggled SO BAD, I missed my baby, but guess what, IT WORKED! Do you know as a result of us following through on her punishment, she had the most amazing week of her entire educational career, and has been since then. She followed directions not only at school, but also at home! Her entire demeanor changed now that she knew we meant business.
Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.~Proverbs 13:24. The Bible makes it clear that we must discipline our children. And every child is different. You have to figure out which form of discipline works for each personality. For Maxwell, because he's so sensitive, all he needs is to be reminded that he has disappointed us to get him on the right path, and take away his weekend time on electronics. Peyton on the other hand, because she's so strong willed, we can't give her idle threats, because she's taking notes! And as much as it hurts for us to watch our babies miss out on things they didn't earn, it's so neccesary. Because otherwise, we're creating roadblocks for them in their adult hood.
And lastly, Lowell and I MUST BE on the same page when it comes to discipline. I mean, I didn't bring them into this world on my own. And they need to know we're a team. In the end, I know all of this is going to pay off, and we're raising 2 people who will make a difference in this world, and it starts with us. #TeamOstlund
Thankful for the Journey!
Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ-Ephesians 5:20
I was having a great "life" talk with my Dad yesterday. He brought something to my attention that I failed to realize. He said, looking back on when my sisters and I were younger, it was sometimes hard to see the works of parenting because he was in the thick of the journey, grinding daily. So he made conscious effort to step outside of himself and take all of it in every now and then, because he had so much to be grateful for!
As time passes, as we get older, as we get settled in our careers, as the kids come and go to school, church, and their sports/extra curricular activities, we have a tendency to get caught in the routine. The calendar is set for the month with our works schedules so we can coordinate who/what/when/where etc. But like my Dad said, we've gotta make a conscious effort to just step back, and bask in the journey, because there's so much we have to be grateful for. We live in a microwave society, everything is rushed, in our case, we both have to work to provide for our family. So because we are always on the go, we can get distracted by the hustle and bustle of life. So we are going to make a conscious effort as husband and wife to stop, and take it all in. To slow down, and pay attention to the little things. To simply be grateful, because God has been so amazing to us!!!
So with that being said, we challenge you the committ to the following. Let's call it the Thanksgiving Challenge, compliments of our Pastor, Lloyd Harrison:
1. Create a list of the people that you're thankful for.
2. In the morning, thank God, for Him and Him only.
Not much, but somehow putting things into words help committ it to memory.
Lastly, we'd like to say that we're grateful for you. For taking the time out of your busy schedule to read and/or share our blog!!! Thank you for your time, encouraging words, and prayers. We truly appreciate you. Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!-Psalm 107:1
Discovering The 5 Love Languages
We'll preface this blog to be a not only a book review, but discuss how this has benefited us.
During this journey called life, one thing we've both discovered is absolutely necessary for any relationship (marriage, friendship, family, coworker, etc.) is communication. And not just communication, but EFFECTIVE communication is absolutely necessary for the success of any relationship. Both parties need to feel like they're being heard, and both parties need to make a conscious effort to listen as well.
One thing we started participating in early in our marriage was marriage retreats and regularly attending our church's marriage ministry's Bible study. Both of us were so young when we got married, and we were open to any tools and help that would help us to build a strong foundation for "us." One of the 1st lessons came from a book titled "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Basically the books breaks down what the 5 different languages are, and how to evaluate what your partners languages are. The 5 languages are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch (intimacy). Once you take the survey to determine what your love language is, the books teaches you how to speak your partners love language. Essentially, the languages help your partner receive love according to how God has wired their brain and emotions to work. After doing the survey, Lowell discovered his language are physical touch (just like a man😜) and words of affirmation. So my job as his wife is to put extra emphasis on being physically intimate with him, and speaking positively. My love languages are quality time and acts of service (cleaning, helping with homework, etc), which are kind of self explanatory.
We've discovered that speaking each others love language really adds an extra boost of fulfillment and gratification to our marriage. When I speak Lowells love language, he feels respected, and when he speaks mine, I feel loved. This is exactly what God designed a marriage to be. "So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."~Ephesians 5:33~ This is all about God's perfect plan, and how he has strategically wired men and women's brains to work, so meeting the emotional, physical, mental needs of your spouse is vital for a successful marriage.
Needless to say, the booked has opened our lines of communication, and not only hold each of us accountable, but it has helped us put things into perspective on how treat one another. If you've never read this book as a couple, I highly reccomend it. There's also other books that apply to other important relationships in your life: 5 Love Languages for singles, teens, men, woman, and parents (which I'm reading).
I hope this book review was helpful, because it has given us some specific tips and tools to better communicate with one another in a Godly way. But keep in mind, the 1 book that can always give you the best tools for anything, is that good ole faithful word of God, better known as the Bible.
