The year was 1998, the day was Saturday, October 31st. It was our first date, and I don’t remember a lot about it. Halloween party at Kevin’s house. What I do remember is the 2 years that led up to that night.
I was never the smooth kid that was good with the ladies. My mom said I was cool, but she lied. Then all of a sudden it was 10th grade. Well, the summer before 10th grade. At band camp. Yes. Marching band practice before the school year started. I remember the little shorts she was wearing and her laugh and her smile and the volume of her voice. She was everything I was not. I told myself I needed to get to know her. So for 2 years I did everything in my power to not get caught lurking in the background like a complete creep. You have to remember this was before everyone had a cell phone. Email was brand new. I didn’t even have a pager. There was no such thing as internet stalking yet.
Over the next few years we became acquainted by having classes together and band together. But I was scurred. Until our senior year. The summer before senior year I learned a valuable lesson. I gained the ability to give zero eff’s. By leveling up my self confidence I learned the subtle art seduction. Psych! I was still a goof ball, but I could make people laugh so I went with that. I made her laugh. I made her friends laugh. Then I made her love me. Wait, not yet. I used to secretly stand behind her while she pulled a jumbo clarinet out of the cabinet and mime grabbing her sweet sweet booty. The rest of the class thought it was funny, but she never knew.
This sort of thing continued for a while until I got up the nerve to ask her to Winter Formal. I had to devise a master plan, and that plan had to have 3 phases.
Phase 1. Use the peacock as an example, but instead of wooing her with an impressive display of color and motion, I would dazzle her with my lighting quick wit and incredibly sophisticated sense of humor consisting of a mixture of dry British humor and fart jokes.
Phase 2. Do a crap ton of push ups and achieve hot boy status. Also convince the entire female student body that there is nothing sexier than a trombone player. Also ask her to the dance.
It Worked!!!!
I didn’t even need all 3 phases, or so I thought…
At this point I keep hearing from people that she wants me to ask her out. So I keep telling people I did ask her to the dance and she said yes so chill out. Then these same people said, “Hey moron, ask her to be your girlfriend!” So I said, “Is that what that means?” Turns out that is exactly what that means. Who knew? Crap! Now I needed a phase 3. Good thing I saw “There’s Something About Mary” over the summer, the greatest Romance movie ever. It’s also a great film showcasing the dangers of spending too much time in the sun. Anyway, I decided to have someone go get some flowers afterschool but before the marching had to leave for the football game so I could ask her out all proper and stuff (I honestly think I was talked into this strategy but maybe not, it was 23 years ago, cut me some slack). It worked out so well that I am sitting at the computer writing this while she is laying on the couch watching the Olympics right behind me 23 years later. The next night we went over to Kevin’s for a Halloween party and I got my first kiss…
Like a boss.
