Let’s start by defining intimacy.
Intimacy: in-ti-ma-cy: Doin it
Just kidding. Sex is inherently intimate and is probably the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about intimacy, but I would like to share some ideas of intimacy that doesn’t have to involve sex.
Think of intimacy as sharing something close. It can be personal space, like when you are in the airport shuttle to the rental car section and someone has their extended luggage handle riding in your butt crack and another person is breathing directly on your forehead because their nose is hanging out of their mask. That is intimate. Or it can be you and your spouse lounging together in a hammock watching the sunset, or in one of those bathtubs out on a private deck overlooking, wait, I’m gonna try to stay non sexual. Sometimes it’s nice to be close with your partner without trying to put the sausage in the wallet.
I think it’s a good idea to set aside some intimate time that you don’t expect to lead to sex. If you know up front that this time is for you to talk and just enjoy each other’s company you can stay in the moment and make the most of it. I know for me it’s hard to think about anything other than her sweet lady parts if I’m expecting to get the cookies. I find myself distracted and unable to stay in the conversation. I really enjoy when we sit down and listen to records, or I try to stump her tremendous 90s R&B music knowledge by playing a song I don’t think she’ll know. I enjoy it even more if I’m not trying to be a cool, sexy, and sophisticated guy that wants to impress my lady.
If you’re not having regular sexual encounters due to time, kids, or just plain exhaustion, maybe you can have dessert (sex) first and then settle in to some quality time. It’s important to have both types of intimacy. Both partners benefit from both types but one may be more appealing to one of you. A relationship has lots of compromise, but the end goal is that both parties feel loved and respected and important and valued and ultimately are happy. Go back to the 5 love languages. Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch(doin it). Hers are acts of service and quality time. I’m pretty sure I could rationalize that sexual intimacy fulfills all 5 love languages in the book but that doesn’t mean that she feels the same way.
I could show her she’s loved by straightening up the house, drawing her a bath when she gets home, folding her clothes for her(acts of service). There is room for intimacy in there, the non sexual kind. Quality time can be fulfilled with taking walks, going out to eat, sitting down to some music, or wine and cigars on the porch. I feel like there is more room for non sexual intimacy inside of that love language. We all need intimacy in different ways to varying degrees, and helping your spouse feel loved the way they really understand it is gratifying.
Learn the way your partner feels love and focus in on those things. If they are paying attention you’ll get reciprocation. If they are not, communicate that in a way they will understand. Be more intimate, sexually and non sexually. And for goodness sake smile more.
Proverbs 5:18-19 (KJV) 18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19 [Let her be as] the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
